Quitting Sarcasm

When I was 20 looking 13 I was pretty sarcastic. I thought it was funny, and so did some of my friends (they also were sarcastic). HOwever a person I deeply valued (and latter married) said that she couldn’t stand me because of (among other things) my sarcasm. It was the first time anyone had confronted me about this behavior. Now, years latter, I am acutely aware of the damaging effects of sarcasm. As a trainer and consultant I have spent about equal time with Canadian and American groups and I find that Canadians use sarcasm more frequently, and with greater effect than their American counter parts.

Sarcasm is one of the most unique and dangerous forms of communication. When challenged, practitioners of this "dark art" make excuses ranging from, “I didn’t know I was doing it,” or “it adds a bit of humor to a bland conversation” to “It’s how I get someone’s attention.” Whatever the excuse / the reason, sarcasm is a damaging form of communication that has limited long-term success and commonly results in the message AND the messenger being tuned out or turned out.

In its most base form sarcasm is simply being a verbal bully. Someone who exercises power through fear, intimidation and one-up-manship. The hope is that sarcasm will intimidate someone to gain an advantage over them. If you are the recipient of sarcasm will have often have strong negative feelings towards a sarcastic person

I once read an editorial by a Dr. Williams that said this about sarcasm:

”The truth is that most of us don’t like to be with and we clearly don’t trust people whom we perceive as being sarcastic. Sarcasm is a relational deal-breaker for most people. Communicating with someone who is sarcastic is like trying to dance in a minefield. You never know when the person is going to fire an insult in your direction and the conversation will blow up. Like landmines, the triggers of sarcasm are often hidden out of sight, usually deep within the verbal bully’s psyche.”

So what is Sarcasm ? Etymology: to tear flesh, bite the lips in rage, sneer, from (greek) sark-, sarx flesh; Definition: 1 : a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain 2 : a mode of satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual

Sarcasm always has a target. Usually it is the hearer, sometimes it is the speaker. When sarcasm is directed your way expect to experience a wound – that is its intent whether the sarcastic person is conscious of their intent is another question for another time. Sometimes people turn sarcasm on themselves, possibly because of a lack of self worth, or because they are using a form of passive aggressive behavior to manipulate their hearer into “rescuing” them, responding in kind or simply feeling as worthless or insecure as the sarcastic communicator. The truth is when I comes to sarcasm, no one wins.

But what about humor? you ask. Well, Monty python, second city and Saturday night live and most Canadian comics use sarcasm because it “appears” to be witty. The sad fact is we often find ourselves laughing AT them more than with them. Their humor depends on the derision of some person, relationship or circumstance. The simple fact is that sarcasm requires a victim.

So what forms of sarcasm do you use? Carefully crafted cynicism, biting humor, irony, the roll of your eyes, a well timed sigh or groan, muttering under your breath. Under close examination each one is a form of sarcasm. Each intended to hurt, undermine or redirect the conversation.

Like any play ground bully, the office bully, the board room bully, and the living room bully are interested in reordering their worlds. They want to be “king of the mountain” and they will resort to sarcasm to take you down a notch. Sarcasm is after all contempt dressed up in fancy cloths.

And maybe that’s where we should start, with the contempt. After all sarcasm is a habit of speech that reveals attitude of the heart. What are the attitudes that give rise to sarcasm? Arrogance, insecurity, contempt, judgmentalism.

To deal with sarcasm one must address both the outward behavior and the underlying attitudes and beliefs.

Dr. Williams suggest four questions that help curb the expression of sarcasm and the underlying attitudes and beliefs which feed sarcasm

1. Is this comment true and accurate?
2. Is this comment kind and appropriate?
3. Is this comment necessary at this time and to this person?
4. Would this comment strengthen this relationship?

In years of working with emerging leaders I have found that sarcasm is one of the most common short cuts to power and influence that they are tempted to. And like most short cuts it is a blind ally leading no where. In fact sarcastic leaders often find themselves excluded and even unemployed – and oddly they are bewildered by this development. Let me suggest that in your next meeting you assign a couple of people to be sarcasm detectors – arming them with a buzzer or bell.

Call a moratorium on sarcasm, stop rewarding dysfunction, and begin to celebrate relationships, effectiveness, and creativity.